Ambiguous loss
When a loved one is still here, yet so much has changed. This is one of the hardest parts of dementia, and one we rarely talk about. You are not alone in it.
What is ambiguous loss?
Ambiguous loss is the grief we feel when someone we love is physically present, but changed by dementia. There is no funeral, no clear ending, and often no words for it. The person is here and not here at the same time.
Because the loss has no clear shape, it can be confusing. You may grieve the person they were while still caring for the person they are. Both feelings are real. Both are allowed.
Why it can feel so heavy
- There is no closure. The loss is ongoing, and it changes over time.
- Others may not understand. Friends might say "but they're still here," which can leave you feeling alone.
- Your role keeps changing. You may move from partner or child to carer, and that shift carries its own grief.
- The feelings come in waves. Good days and hard days can sit close together.
Naming it helps
Putting a name to this experience can bring relief. It tells you that what you feel makes sense, and that many other carers feel it too.
Gentle ways to cope
- Hold two truths. You can grieve and still love. You can feel sad and still find moments of joy.
- Let go of being perfect. Caring is hard. Doing your best is enough.
- Stay connected. Talk with people who understand. Our Living Hub is one place to do that.
- Keep meaning alive. Small rituals, music, photos and shared activities can still create connection.
- Care for yourself too. Rest, support and time for you are not selfish. They help you keep going.
"Looking back, moving forward." We make space for grief and love to live side by side.
Understanding the brain helps too
When we understand what is happening in the brain, the changes in our loved one can feel less frightening, and easier to respond to with patience.
It is the illness, not them
Changes in memory, mood and behaviour come from changes in the brain, not from choice.
Connection still matters
Even as words fade, a calm voice, touch and familiar music can reach someone you love.
Research brings hope
Studies keep improving how we support people with dementia. We share what works with our community.
This page offers general information and support, not medical advice. If you or someone you care for needs help, please speak with your doctor. In an emergency, call 000. For dementia support, the National Dementia Helpline is available 24 hours on 1800 100 500.
You do not have to carry this alone
Come to The Living Hub, or reach out. We are here to listen and to walk alongside you.